An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
A duck walks into a bar
A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"
Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little
children, as they were on the way to church
service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
children, as they were on the way to church
service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Are you the one?
A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country , pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging
doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. “Yes?”
She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”
The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, “Why yes, yes, I sure am.”
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.”
doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. “Yes?”
She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”
The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, “Why yes, yes, I sure am.”
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.”
A special ring
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like
to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over… ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it..’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man..
‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like
to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over… ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it..’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man..
‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’
The Saddle Horn
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a near by town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"
Humor images
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