The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to you question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
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The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"
She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"
up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their
paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will
take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in, the Hell administration bids him
farewell, and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way
down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."
A young high school couple - Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents - so she never told them about Johnny.
One day she announced, "Johnny, Friday is my 18th birthday. I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday, they will be going away for the weekend - and this being my 18th birthday, I want us to finally "DO IT."
Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and candy for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist asked him, "Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack." Johnny responded, "You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack."
Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could say grace before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.
Suzie turned towards him and whispered, 'Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."
Johnny turned and replied, "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."
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