Marker Man
Feel Like a Woman
In a transatlantic flight, the plane passes into a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning and is detatched.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane and yells, "I'm too young to die! But if I'm going to, I want my last minutes to be memorable! I've had plenty of lovers in my life, but none of them has ever made me feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman?"
For a moment there is dead silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman. Then a man stands up at the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a real woman," he says, his voice low and husky.
The man is gorgeous. Tall, well-built, broad shoulders, flowing jet-black hair and soft brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes, one button at a time. No-one moves. The woman is shaking, breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest and arms as he reaches her. He draws close to her, and as he presses his shirt against her whispers...
"Iron this."
Give and Take
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Feel young again
Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
Fighting the bull
Once, A man decided to take a drive in the country-side. As he passed by a paddock, he noticed a young child desperately fleeing a furious bull which was steadily gaining on her. The man slammed on his brakes, bundled out of his car, vaulted over the two-meter-high paddock fence, and sprinted at amazing speed towards the bull.
Unknown to him, a journalist was passing by and witnessed his incredible feats of courage.
The man had by now reached the bull and, grabbing it by the horns, stopped its charge only five centimeters from the little girl. He flipped the bull over on its back and, twisting its head by the horns, broke its neck.
The journalist was astounded. He ran over to the man and said: "Starve the lizards! That was unbelievable mate! I don't believe I saw it! I've never seen a man with so much strength and courage and daring! I'll put this story on the front page of my paper! Now, just give me a few details about yourself.
Next day, the following headline appeared on the front page of the paper:
"A FREAK KILLS CHILD'S PET!"
Unknown to him, a journalist was passing by and witnessed his incredible feats of courage.
The man had by now reached the bull and, grabbing it by the horns, stopped its charge only five centimeters from the little girl. He flipped the bull over on its back and, twisting its head by the horns, broke its neck.
The journalist was astounded. He ran over to the man and said: "Starve the lizards! That was unbelievable mate! I don't believe I saw it! I've never seen a man with so much strength and courage and daring! I'll put this story on the front page of my paper! Now, just give me a few details about yourself.
Next day, the following headline appeared on the front page of the paper:
"A FREAK KILLS CHILD'S PET!"
Potentially vs. Realistically
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”
“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a couple of whores.”
The Tea Party
When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Nuns on a Freeway
A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.
When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them "Do you know the speed limit."
They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say "We were going 22 miles per hour.
The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.
"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.
"What's wrong" asks the police man...
The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 405!"
